About | Life Starts At 41

About Me

Thank you for visiting my blog.

Here's a little bit of my story and how 'Life Starts At 41' came about.

The Cute Baby

I was born in The Netherlands as a Gemini 1982 baby. For as long as I can remember I was told everybody loved me. I can totally imagine by seeing how cute I was, just look at those little cheeks!

I had a bit of a rough start from the womb though. Someting that would affect my life in a deeper way then anybody could imagine. My parents got divorced after a lot of pain before I turned 1.

I would grow up in a Christian home with a loving mother, stepfather and sister. We had all that we needed, food, clothes, shelter, birthdays, vacations, etc. And everything seemed to be going allright. But underneath there were things I didn't yet have words for.

The Twisted Teenager

As I entered my teenage years, the cracks began to show. By the time this photo was taken, I had developed disordered eating and truly believed I was fat—

Ironically, I would later spend more than 20 years thinking about how I could reach that weight again.

I struggled silently with undiagnosed anxiety and depression, and didn’t know what was happening inside me—but I felt insecure and had no self worth.

I became more socially withdrawn, and I couldn’t understand why conflict seemed to follow me, or at least that is what it felt like to me.

Always having good intentions and trying to get through life, but I felt people often would respond with resistance because I was misunderstood. And so the world started to feel like a hostile place. I couldn't find the connections that I deeply needed.

At 16, I ran away from home.
My yearbook said I wanted to be a psychologist. But instead, I dropped out of high school and started working. By 18, I had my own apartment—but no real direction in life.

The Struggeling Young Adult

I had my own cute baby when I was 20. And by 23 I was a divorced single mom. Despite the good and beautiful moments that I hold dear to my heart, I was struggeling my way through life, trying to be the best mom I could be at the same time.

The series of bad relationships I had experienced affected me greatly and I wondered if I was ever going to find the love I longed for so deeply.

Eventually I would end up at various psychologists and therapies in attempts to try and figure out what was wrong with me and how to get a grip on life. Everytime I saw another, I got a new label (anxiety disorder, ADD, etc.) But over time I realised none of them covered my issues fully.

The Confusing 30's

In my 30s, I tried to turn my life around. I even enrolled in college, determined to create a better future. But severe depression took hold, and I couldn’t finish. Eventually, I was placed on disability.

No matter how hard I tried, I felt like something invisible was holding me back. Opportunities came and went. I had the intelligence, the passion, the drive—but nothing seemed to stick.

My finances declined, and I felt helpless. Starting and then having to quit my photography business was a crushing blow.

I was left wondering, Why can’t I make it work? What’s wrong with me? Despite all my efforts, no one seemed to have the answer that truly helped me break free.

The Fabulous 40's

And then I hit my 40's. You couldn't tell from this picture - I am not ready to show the worst of me, so this is a good and recent pic - but my weight reached an ultimate high.

Socially I had my issues and my finances were at an ultimate low. Mentally I was struggeling continually, but I could and would (often) unconsciously mask my issues to the outside world. That made it very lonely and I didn't know how to get the right help.

I started to teach myself how to paint after having an inner vision. And 6 months after I turned 41 I decided I would go one last time to get to the bottom of things through therapy.

Because through a chain of events I realised I might have trauma - something no therapist ever told me despite all the signs - and I indeed got diagnosed with CPTSD.

This is where things began to shift. I had found the root!

Follow My Art Journey

Life Starts At 41

The thought of the concept of "Life Starts at 41" came to me, as I was determined I would finally go after the answers I had been searching for my whole life and to truly start living from now on. But I couldn't yet create the life and the work I am doing right here because I had to overcome the inner blocks that kept me frozen.

It took 15 months of deep research and innerwork to get to where I am today as I am writing this (april 2025 - a few months from turning 43). But I have noticed things are slowly shifting in a way I never experienced before.

I found and am still finding the answers that are truly making the difference. It is the knowledge and understanding I had been searching for for ages. And now I am still growing, healing and discovering who I truly am. And I want to share what helped me so it can help you too.

Sharing The Spark

Helping others has been a deep part of my being for as long as I can remember. So it is no surprise I want to use all this to benefit those who are in similar situations. Even though I learned that some parts of wanting to help others came from trauma too, yet the healthy true core of it is just part of my nature.

"We can't change the world" they say, but I believe we can. Maybe not the whole of it on our own. But we can affect the world by telling our stories and sharing the experience that can change a person's life.

The ripple effect will do it's work in way's we might not even fully see. If we all came here with a mission, this is mine. To tell my story so others can grow from it too.

So take my gems my friend and use what resonates with you for your own unique journey. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Let me help you get back your spark again!